“Snowflakes need not apply at my company.”
It’s the message I shared across the country over the past couple of months … and my word, did it strike a nerve. But what you may NOT be aware of is that it’s not the only level of protection we’ve implemented at my agency to keep it a snowflake-free zone.
We also have an employment contract that every hire must sign as a way of ensuring that the whining, entitled attitudes are kept out of our place of business.
Don’t like it? Don’t want to sign it? Too bad – you don’t get to work for us.
Now I’m sure that many of you are going to be triggered by this employment contract. Good – that’s the point. Trigger yourselves the hell out of my office. You’d never be a fit for my company … which means a position opens up for someone who WILL fit our culture.
I’ve taken the liberty of slightly editing the language for publication. That aside … here it is. Our employment contract in (most of) its glory.
Melt on, snowflakes. This is a place of business. Find your safe space elsewhere.
Dear New Employee:
There are a few necessities for us to cover before you begin your employment at The Silent Partner Marketing.
For starters, The Silent Partner Marketing is a snowflake-free zone. You may have picked up on this in your pre-interview test. Now let’s dive into the specifics of what this means.
During your employment at The Silent Partner Marketing, you may be exposed to materials including but not limited to the following: controlled substances, photos, videos or models depicting partial nudity, controversial content, and risqué marketing materials.
By signing this employment contract, you agree to let us use your likeness in any and all marketing and advertising materials for The Silent Partner Marketing as well as for any clients. You will be put on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Facebook Live, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, Vimeo, and other platforms on a regular basis. Your hair will not always look good and that will not stop us from posting the content. This is a marketing agency, not a modeling agency.
You will, on a regular basis, be exposed to vulgar language and may be exposed to political perspectives that you may or may not agree with. Too damn bad. The CEO is a conservative and damn proud of it.
We don’t believe in “trigger warnings” or “safe spaces” – we are a place of business and we are in the business of serving others.
You are expected to dress appropriately for the business environment. If you have to ask what appropriate means, you might want to instead consider pursuing a career path as a lifeguard.
We don’t judge people by their ethnicity, the color of their skin, their sexual preference, their socio-economic background or anything like that. Here, we are all “silent partners.” We are all humans. We are all Americans. The only thing we will judge you by is your character and whether or not you act like a jackass.
On paper, Kyle S. Reyes is our President and CEO. In reality, God is the CEO of this company. You only have to listen to one of them – but I’d suggest you consider listening to and respecting both of them. Don’t believe in God? That’s cool too. Just make sure you listen to the legal CEO of the company and respect those who DO believe in God.
Negativity and disrespect have no place in our company. We eat sunshine and excrete marketing genius.
Speaking of eating, our caterer will bring you food as a surprise from time to time. Our management team will surprise you with snacks, lunches, dinners, etc. We offer a full smoothie bar that you have access to 24/7. If you have any allergies, you probably shouldn’t eat stuff you’re allergic to. We’re big believers in personal responsibility.
Yes, we have a full bar in the office. Yes, it’s most likely the most well-stocked bar you’ve ever seen. Yes, you may responsibly take part in client events and happy hours if you are of legal age. No, you may not exceed the legal limit. No, you may not drink and drive. No, you may not post work for clients after consuming alcohol. No, you may not drink and send inappropriate pictures or Snapchat videos to your coworkers.
Working with guns and working with police and other first responders may be a regular part of your job duties. We have a zero tolerance policy for disrespecting either.
The giant beanbag chairs are super comfortable. Please don’t fall asleep on them. Unless your significant other kicks you out of the house. In which case, have at it. Just not when you’re working.
Our personal trainers will kick your butt. They will warn you in advance that they’re going to kick your butt. You may not call out of work for being too sore from said butt kickings. Advil and amino acids are readily available.
We demand innovation. We are one of the most cutting-edge agencies in America. We expect you to either embrace it or to ask us to help you put together a video resume to help you find a better fit for yourself.
We spend millions of dollars a year on social media advertising for clients. We expect you to have – and regularly practice the usage of – personal profiles on social media platforms on a daily basis.
We don’t expect you to think outside the box. We expect you to light the box on fire. But with that comes a requirement that you be willing to have your ideas ripped to shreds … so you can then work with the team to build them up even stronger.
We will do everything in our power to make you feel welcome and protected. If, for any reason, you don’t feel comfortable working on a project, you need to make your supervisor aware of it immediately and we will be happy to reallocate the tasks associated with that project to another employee.
We expect you to challenge ideas and to do it constructively. We expect you to push the envelope. We expect you to not take advantage of having one of the most incredible work environments in the country … but to instead leverage that environment to continuing fueling creativity and innovation.
Make Marketing Great Again and God Bless America.