I’m told I need to start this with a trigger warning.

I don’t believe in trigger warnings. Except, of course, when I’m using them to mock liberals. So consider yourself triggered.

This whole anti-Trump thing has been fascinating to me. I’ve watched it unfold since the very beginning. 

I, of course, was an early target. As were most Trump supporters.

It’s my own doing. 19 months ago I wrote about how if The Don were serious about the race, he would win it. I wrote about it again and again. I run a marketing agency. It’s my job – and that of my team – to understand consumer behavior, social media sentiment, digital engagement and make predictions about where the market is moving long before it gets there. Last night just shows why we’re so damn good at what we do.

But I’m not writing to gloat. No, we’ll get to that later. We have more important things to discuss.

Enter: the tender snowflakes.

And let’s be clear. This time, I’m not just talking about college students. I’m also talking about their pandering, whining, spineless gender studies professors who are ensuring that a generation enters into the real world that can’t cut their own meat without a safe space and a counselor.

Oh, stop. Please. I gave you your trigger warning. And I’m just warming up. And besides, let’s be honest – you tree huggers don’t eat meat.

A Yale professor actually gave his students a pass on the midterm thanks to the election. Because, well, feelings.

“He wrote to them saying: “I am getting many heartfelt notes from students who are in shock over the election returns” and “fear, rightly or wrongly for their families” and are “requesting that the exam be postponed.”

Moves like this explain a lot. I read on tabloid sites like Huffington post from time to time letters from recent graduates who lost their jobs and can’t find new ones.

Did you poor little souls ever stop and think it’s not just because the world sucks…but perhaps it’s because your ability to deal with the world sucks?

Of course you didn’t. Mommy and daddy didn’t tell you that. They want you to get the hell out of their basement, so they’d rather you focus on trying to find a place that will let you greet guests at the door of the big box store.

“I’m just so proud of Joey. He tied his own shoes today for his first day at work!”

Oh, Huffington Post. Can we talk about it for a minute? This is the same glorified blog that said Trump wouldn’t be featured in the politics section and would be put in the entertainment section because he wasn’t a serious candidate.

During election night, HP (I’m going to stop referring to them as Huffington Post because I don’t consider them to be a serious media outlet) had a live feed on Facebook showing a melting candle in the shape of Donald Trump – encouraging people to watch him melt down. A more accurate live visual of an actual meltdown probably would have been a feed of their true earnings reports.

Now there are reports of protests on college campuses across the country. Professors cancelling classes. Vandalism.

Apparently mommy and daddy, who in many cases are paying for your college education, neglected to tell you that when it comes to this thing called “the Presidential Election”, nobody cares how you FEEL the next day.

Of course according to the liberals on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, that makes me sexist, Islamophobic, homophobic, xenophobic and a whole slew of other words that make students feel like they got daddy’s money’s worth of school.

Liberals can’t wrap their heads around the fact that political disagreement doesn’t make you a racist. If anything, it makes those of us who disagree with you and actually listen to your feelings more American than you.

There are reports from all over colleges about students who voted for Trump who are in hiding. They are being shamed. It’s something I wrote about months ago. But there’s something you should know about those students. They will one day be your bosses. If, of course, you can get a job.

Now to my LGBT friends who voted for Trump – big ups to you. You’re not just “gays”. You’re OUR gays. And when you were at the polls, you were there as Americans. You’re our brothers and sisters. Voting for The Don was a vote against the extremist policies of countries that donated to Hillary Clinton that would choose to throw you off a roof because of who you love. We will fight for you. We will stand by you. Because we’re all Americans.

To my black friends who voted for Trump – big ups to you. You voted against a party that has told you that you are less of a person for the color of your skin…and a party that then pushed our brothers and sisters of color into jobless environments and horrible poverty. We will fight for you. We will stand by you. Again, because we’re all Americans.

Listen, college students. And let’s be clear. I’m not talking about the students who are hustling their faces off. Who are busting their asses. Who are going to classes and working their way through college. I’m talking to you sniveling, crying, thin-skinned little oversized toddlers who are looking for any excuse to skip class. I have a message from the business community for you.

You have already failed.

You have failed because you aren’t fighting to preserve a democratic process – you are fighting to destroy it.

You have failed because instead of trying to unite as a country, you are busy trying to get more Instagram followers by posting pictures of you wearing your “Stronger Together” shirt while crying.

You have failed because you don’t understand that America didn’t just make a statement – it made a Goddamn roar – that we will put America first. We will put our families first. Our legal citizens first. Our healthcare first. Our faith first. Our freedom first.

That doesn’t make us racist or sexist or any other titles you want to hit us with in the absence of a strong argument. That makes us Americans.

But cry on, liberal America. We’ll send you tissues. You’ll need them as the legacy of your fearless leader is shredded before your very eyes. We’ll need tissues too – for ours are tears of joy.

And perhaps hopefully, somewhere on the other side of it, we can all come together. We can stand side by side after Donald Trump has burned the corruption and the anti-American policies to the ground. We can rebuild with our neighbors. We can rise to new heights and be less divided than we ever could have dreamed of.

Or, perhaps, not.

Either way I’m going to go ahead and pour myself another tall glass of liberal tears while I watch you protest America and freedom on your campuses.

I’ll see you in the job interview. If you make it that far.